I've had some blogs in the past. Always reflective of what was on the menu of my life at the time . . . "runningtostandstill" . . . kind of a log when I was super crazy into running, some other ones about all things artsy (during school), some spiritual meanderings as I came to one turning point - and one while I was pregnant. I guess, in a nutshell, those items sum me up. Running has all but completely fallen by the wayside, and boy do I miss it - if for nothing else than the clarity it gave me, in my head. Ok and the toned arms and legs. It was nice in those different times to feel like my life had some sort of "thesis" . . . that there was some central focus to what I was "working on." Now I'm becoming a Mom of two (yikes!) and of course, things are incredibly scattered! I treasure my scattered little life with all my heart. And I'll take this little place to jot as an opportunity to remember what it is that I come home to in my person when I'm not orbiting about, buzzing like a bee . . . and occasionally . . . prego-napping!
I'm one of those artsy people with that need to express myself. Not always having something actual to say . . . just knowing that I have to say something. That's kind of how it always was for me with painting and whatnot. I made things because I had to make things. Not because I had some big political message or something. I was always jealous of the artists in school who seemed so clear and logical about what they wanted to deliver. I was never that girl. Expression is like a biological function for me. The day to day "small talk" in my life isn't enough. I have to smear colors on the world, and I have to have somebody notice them. It's half about elation and fascination, sometimes about woe, it's worry and occasionally heartache and thankfully often enough a celebration.There are so many different tones I could choose in this moment - where to wander next. How about some pregnancy TMI? Or should I open up a conversation about my partially unreconciled spiritual questions? Or art teacher content!? Do I bore you with my grinding upset about getting fatter over the years and all in all, lacking the strategy to truly change it? Do I drag you into my panic about the environment? Thrill for cooking? Day to day laughter (and tears) of parenting? Who knows. I don't have a thesis. Maybe this blog will be a little bit of everything, reminding me that a little bit of everything is not in fact nothing, as it sometimes feels to be. As a mother, you accomplish all these small things in a given day, and truly - none of them are individually heroic or incredible, but somehow . . . you go to bed both satisfied and having so many loose ends. Like my "to do" lists of so many items, some that get re-written week and week again.
We're having a son come July. I came to realize how terrifying the boy's toy aisle is to me in Target. I'm terrified to have these ugly toys in my home, and what they might do to a child. It's been so nice having a girl - things are so familiar and charming to behold . . . what will I ever do if he wants to have these ugly WWF figurines and black swords and creepy monsters? I'm strategizing already how to get my son excited about wooden toys and handmade spacemen . . . Ok. I'm going to call that my "thought for the day."
The. End.
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